A thread for the comedians in the guild to show off their best jokes.

(please keep it as clean as possible no breaking the forums rules)


A blonde gets a job as a teacher She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says. 'W...hy?' say...s the blonde. The boy says: "Because I'm the f**king goal keeper"

80 year old man : My 28 year old wife is pregnant, your opinion Doctor? Doctor: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and BANG... The lion drops dead! Old man: That's impossible; someone else must have shot the lion. Doctor: MY POINT EXACTLY!

George Bush and his chauffeur were in a limo driving down a country lane. Suddenly, George feels a massive bump. The limo stops and goes out to investigate, it turns out that they had run over a pig and they reason that it must have come from the farm just up the hill. So, the driver goes up to break the news. It takes 2 hours but the chauffeur finally comes back. "What took you so long?" George Bush asks.

"Well," starts the chauffeur, "When I told them the news, the man shook my hand, the wife gave me a full three course meal and then the daughter led me upstairs to her room!".
"What did you tell them?!"

"That I was George Bush's chauffeur and I'd killed the pig"

What's the difference between a banjo player and a lawyer? You don't want to run over a lawyer! [You'll get sued!]

Heres my favourite. Out of all my friends, only one of them finds it genuinely funny:

Two beekeepers are stood around chatting. One turns to the other and says:
1st beekeeper: "Sooo...how many bees have you got?"
2nd beekeeper: "I don't know, like, ten thousand bees?"
1st: "Oh, ten thousand bees...safe. In how many hives?"
2nd: "Like, 6 hives?
1st: "Hmmm, 10,000 bees in 6 hives. Nice."
2nd: "Err...how many bees have you got?"
1st: "Me? Oh, I've got like a million bees."
2nd: "...A million bees? In how many hives?!"
1st: "Just the one."
2nd: "A million bees in one hive?! Are you serious?!!"
1st: "Yeah, f**k 'em they're only bees."

F A I L
lol
Maybe we should rename the topic to Bad Jokes, or Failed Jokes

I found these funny but I wasnt sure how to respond

Here's some! (found, I might add - I can't make up jokes)

These are borderline bad taste, I warn thee...

'I can't see an end.
I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard. '

'As I was having a quickie with the wife on the kitchen table, I thought....

"Maybe I should've waited until the kids had finished eating."'

'I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself.

No 'fence.

Nun taken. '

'I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night when I asked if anyone had the time.

It was absolute carnage.'

'Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers. '

and

'My wife has just found out that I fire blanks.

The terrified look on her face when I shoved the shotgun in her mouth and pulled the trigger was f*cking priceless.'

See that's where I remember I'm French because I didn't get any of thoe jokes. Except for the red and white (though I'm not sure about the white one ^^')

Well I found them funny
And hell, I'm always laughing inside my own head anyways

I've got one: "How many dirty stinking apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb...?"