Part II is posted. I couldn't find a wide variety of pictures to suit the writing so it's a bit harder on the eyes this time around. I'm semi-happy with the result and the text may become subject to some change.

Anyway, I hope you like and and if there's anything wrong with it go ahead and tell me!

Cheers 36809, I'll read this tonight! (right now I'm 30mins from finishing my night shift and I can barely see straight )

Gah, at first I was like "omg, tl;dr..." but after seeing the nice comments you got I feel I must. I'll be back and give you some nice critique when I've finished reading it all (don't worry, it'll probably only take me about 2 years =P). This just reminds me of that I have to finish my own character and story -_-

Hmm, we'll, i've read most of it and... Jeez, it's excellent dude d(^.^)b You should write a novel or summin', was a very interesting read, and introduced you characters in a very good way. Now I really feel the pressure on myself ^^' Well, I'll try to not keep you all waiting. At least I'll finish her Wiki page as soon as possible -_-

Secret message: Bra jobbat grabben =D

Heh, thank's mate. I've tried writing extended texts but I usually end up deleting it all. Don't feel any stress mate, you've got plenty of time before the game comes out, I've just expressed my interest in reading something and I will if you write it! I've read the wiki part and it's very intriguing. I'm trying to write something myself but so far I've just managed to confuse myself.

Secret Message: Man tackar, man tackar

I chucked up a teaser for part III!

Hopefully part III will restore the sense of quality I felt with part one. I don't know if you agree but I personally felt that part II was a bit of an underachiever, but that's only me and my perfectionist ways... Heh.

Oh pants I fogot to read the second part
I'll read it tonight for sure and comment! don't worry even if its a bit underpar for your standards it'll still rock as your standards are pretty high it seems

Any comments on the second part? I can't quite put my finger on what I don't really think is up to standards. Would sincerely appreciate -any- feedback!

Read it then went to visit someone in hospital for 7 hours (NHS in action woot) then forgot to comment lol.
I dont think theres any drop off in qualtiy at all Axel, what I thinks bugging you is when theres nothing going on, in the first part there was lots going on and you could describe everything in detail and everything moved very fast.
In this part some of the papargraphs have had to switch to everyday routine (well everyday routine on a starship) to set up tension and explore what the fall out is after the battle, I've found personally that these parts are just hard to write becuase you have to write a series of sequenceil tasks and make them feel interesting.

Quote:

After looking in the mirror one last time he let the metal touch his skin as he began his shave. He hadn’t realized just how scruffy he had looked until he had reached his quarters, his reflection in the mirror almost screaming at him to do something.

I only picked up on this becuase you wanted constructive critisism and its nothing majour but in this sentence you use the term him/his/he 10 times and more in the next sentence.
lol its a pain doing these sections I'm stuck on one at the moment in another RP, nothing particulary is going on in one scene but I have to describe the movement of my character ie getting dressed and landing the ship etc so its hard to make it interesting and not use identifiers like this alot.

Like I said I didnt notice a drop of in quality, I loved the Doctor captain conversations it really highlighted their different personalitys and realationship, there are just parts of RP that are harder to write then others, (I'm a newbie myself really so dont take my word to seriously though)

I've just finished reading this and first want to say 'bravo'! Your storytelling once again impresses but I can also see why you weren't so happy with this one as mauch as the first.

I agree with PrioryJK in that the biggest struggle is to begin with there's not much happening. Because we don't know Deimos and this is following on from part one, the reader expecting a continuation of the story is instead hit with a rather long monologue of a stranger going over events they've already read about. If it were thoughts and feelings of an established character we've built a relationship with or the very beginning of the tale the reader would more likely buy into the slow start.

Also the routine of Desmond and his shaving is a really nice touch and would work really well as a montage on film but here it feels to me very protracted and further postpones the story in your story. The conversation with the doc first piques my interest and then we start cooking with gas once we get to the interrogation half way through and by then you're back on top form!

If it were me I'd have structured it so Deimos' torture was at the very beginning. Straight away there would be sympathy for the character and an immediate connection to the reader established. Then his backstory could have been told on the torture table as part of his in-and-out of conciousness memories broken up with more torture (I like the torture) to keep the reader interested.

But like I say it's still a great story once it finds it's feet and I'd like to thank you for all your efforts and for sharing. Looking forward to part III!

(PS. With the name of the character 'Deimos' - is that the same NPC as Lunarwolf's Darth Deimos? Or a different one with the same name? A little confusing tbh!)

Thanks for the comments you two! Really helped me conclude what exactly was bugging me about this segment. I might subject it to some heavy editing in the future but I will finetone and go through my first draft of part three not to keep you waiting.

Your suggestion of telling the story through blackouts was a very intriguing concept and I might incorporate it when the part is edited.

PS: The Deimos character is unrelated to LW's NPC Darth Deimos. The name itself originates from the greek word for "fear" (Δείμος) which I thought was fitting with the torture and all.